Pick - A - Letter

HA. So it wasn't just a one time fluke, that pick-a-letter thing. Now that there's *two* it counts as a Series. Woo.

Hope I remember how to do this...

(topics by letter, comment by letter.)

A.) Even though he's been getting the shaft on the blog lately I'm happy to report that Jack is back. He's so thin and he'll never be his old self but he has finally recovered from his most recent illness and I'm so relieved. It was bad, guys. It was so bad that I called the answering service on a Sunday night to tell them that I had to get him in first thing Monday morning or we were gonna lose him. It was so bad that Bob and I had the 'talk'. The talk where we decide if want to bury him or have him cremated. That's pretty bad. I know it's coming someday, probably sooner rather than later, but I'm committed to keeping him alive as long as possible, as long as it's fair to him, and that's that. I love that cat.

B.) I've lost my salt mill. My really nice salt mill. It has a fraternal brother, pepper mill, and pepper is lost without salt. Salt usually lives on the stove next to pepper but often takes a trip into the living room with us when we have dinner in the evenings. Sometimes it spends the night there, but not often because every evening before bed I straighten the living room and put everything away so it's nice in the mornings. In doing so I usually have an arm load of stuff (cell phone, chapstick, cereal bowl, CAT) and occasionally I get things mixed up. Like the time I left threw my chapstick in the trash, left my phone by the sink and I found the salt mill on my nightstand the next morning. Yes I've looked on the nightstand. I sure hope salt turns up.

C.) Speaking of losing things, Bob and I have a (bad?) habit of carrying around little tiny bags of pills. I have a million teeny tiny baggies due to all my beading and we find them handy for medicines. In my purse I have a bag of headache pills, acid reducers, and an extra dose of Bob's chemo. When I'm on my period I tote around more heavy artillery. And a few weeks ago when we were at Ol1ve*Garden with my in-laws I found myself in need of something strong and reached for that bag. In an effort to be discreet I tucked the bag into my pants pocket instead of replacing it in my purse. That was the last time I ever saw the bag. I can't help but wonder if it missed my pocket and landed in our booth. Thankfully it wasn't something poison like chemo that I left as a tip for the next diner but I'm really hoping some kid didn't find my v1codin and and think it was candy. I know I KNOW. That's terrible of me and I really try to be careful. I can't even imagine I actually left it behind. I hope I didn't. I hope I just misplaced it. Maybe it's with salt. I should probably delete this shouldn't I?

D.) Speaking of chemo, Bob had some pretty serious labs done this week and I'm feeling very anxious about it. These results will decide if the biopsy is back on or not. There are other things we're testing for that are new and you know I hate those kinds of surprises. There's also a nurse in that office that I'm not a fan of. He's seems nice but you don't have to spend a lot of time with him to know that he's as dumb as a bag of hammers. He drives me nuts. He has no backbone. He won't ever call the doc and ask questions for us. He forgets everything (case in point: Bob's been on the H1N1 list for THREE WEEKS because *Tom* can't remember to save back a syringe for him.) One day last week, when we were all still arguing about the biopsy, he called me by accident. He meant to call Bob's phone but dialed mine instead. He regrets that now. He's not the only nurse there; actually there's a really great nurse that works in the office but she gets reserved for all the really sick patients. Fortunately we don't qualify for her. Unfortunately our consolation prize is *Tom*. Anyway, test results conference day is the 24th. Think of us.

E.) Not related to any of the above, a few months ago Bob and I were at a local estate sale. An old wealthy dude passed away and left his house and all it's contents to his church. It didn't take long for the church to set up a store in the house and start raking in the bucks. As we perused the goods one guy started following us around. It began with random chatter and then it turned into an interrogation about whether or not we were 'saved' and where did we go to church and maybe we should consider their church and on and on. When we were done and settling up on our purchases he asked us 'Do you guys have any kids?' 'No', we told him. 'Well why not? Don't you want any kids?' 'Maybe someday', we told him. 'But... don't your parents want any GRANDKIDS???' And that's when I punched him in the face and walked out.
Okay, I didn't hit him but I pushed his pamphlet back in his face and we walked out. And that's why it's not always nice to just assume that everyone halfway youthful has kids or wants them. It's also why Christians need to think about their actions when they're out recruiting. I'm not one to judge, but if you're trying to persuade me to be like you, you might want to try not being an ass. No thanks, dumbass, I'll *pass* on your church.

F.) Speaking of stupid people and their stupid comments, this summer we started construction on an outdoor bar. We didn't mean to start construction at that time but it came up in random conversation with a retired neighbor one evening and the next day he was standing on our doorstep, schematics in hand, tool belt strapped around his waist, and truck running in the driveway so we could go buy lumber. And so we did. While the men were building and sawing and making noise, I went out and offered to buy everyone lunch. And retired neighbor proceeded to send me to a local fast food establishment that I haven't been in in years. It was empty when I got there and I needed a minute to explore the menu and figure out what to get everybody. The toothless wonder behind the counter asked what I wanted and I told her a few more minutes to look things over. When I was ready to order I asked a few questions and figured it out. That's when she said to me, 'You don't get out much, do you?' 'Uh, what?' 'Well, you know, to restaurants and stuff.' 'Well actually..' 'like McDonalds and Hardee's.' Okay, lady, whatever you say. I ate at Wolfgang Pucks just last week in LA but you're dead on with that Hardee's thing. I should really try to get out more often and see the world. Right.

G.) I really really really wish I could write locked entries on Blogger. It's the only thing I miss from Diary X. You know, other than five years worth of archives, but whatever.

H.) About that other thing, we're exploring some options. Talked with the paralegal Wednesday. Might be talking with the attorney Thursday. Haven't heard anything about call-backs from Sunday's audition (did I tell you that they dropped a little bomb on us called 'we've got TEN couples on the line right now'?) So yeah, we might never rise to the top and this all be moot, but I think it foolish to not be considering a strategy just in case. Will let you know.

I.) You're all probably wondering how I reported that the meeting Sunday went *so well*. Hindsight is a marvelous thing. I got so excited upon hearing that bio-mom wasn't likely a threat that I hadn't let everything else soak in. Now that I have, well, see letter H.

J.) I couldn't spell occasionally right on the first try if my life depended on it. Including just now. Gah.

Counsel

I need to talk.

I knew it best not to go into detail about our meeting Sunday until we had time to digest it. Now that we have there are some things I'm really concerned about. Different things than before.

However, I'm also feeling really uneasy about sharing so much here. I'm not really risking anything, am I? There are no names or locations or anything at all like that. It's just such a sensitive and intimate subject and it worries me.

I'm gonna try because I really need the therapy but that being said, Bob and I agree that if this goes any further we've got to find an adoption counselor. I need some wisdom. We're being presented with some pretty strong situations and I don't know if they're wise or healthy and I don't know how to deal with them.

Here's some new info...

Good news: Our concerns about bio mom have been reduced. We found out that when she abandoned the baby she did so with no one else at the hospital to take that child. Her family didn't know she was close to giving birth or had done so. Only thru some meth head grapevine did word finally come around. The grandparents didn't meet this child until she was 3 days old and they had to do so on the DL because at that point she had become a ward of D*C*S. The permanent guardianship they're currently pursing is from the state. Also, mom thought she signed away her rights at the hospital but now we know that she only signed for a SS card. Basically she thinks she's already given the baby away.

Bad news: We learned that the baby was born with methamphetam1nes in her body. She was born addicted and went thru withdraws the first days of her life. She's supposedly on target for development now having good dexterity and making good eye contact but it's a concern. She could have some neurological delays. It's hard to say. It's not a deal breaker but it's not something we were aware of until now.

The hardest news: Until this meeting any and all info we had gotten was third hand. My dad and grandma are co-workers (now you're seeing how he keeps finding himself in the middle..) The perils of third hand info include some messages getting a little mixed up. We had been told that grandma & grandpa were hoping to remain in the baby's life, at least for a little while, like another set of grandparents. But at the meeting, without any prompting, grandma said to me (not as a warning but under our 'full disclosure' policy) that they don't want to be *like* grandparents, they ARE grandparents. Not only do they want to see her, they want her to come over and stay. Stay a night, a weekend, an entire week.

I was speechless for just a little bit. She asked me if that was okay and I didn't know how to answer. All along I had envisioned us meeting them at some midway location at a park or a restaurant where they could visit the child for a little bit and then we move on. It had been marketed to me (3rd hand) that it would probably only gone on for four or five weeks and then they'd eventually get on with their lives and we with ours.

But no, that's not what they want. When I suggested they just come up and visit us or we meet at a park, grandma said 'Well what about everyone else? She has cousins and sisters that have bonded with her. His (grandpa's) sons have bonded with her and my daughter has bonded with me. All kinds of people know her. They're all going to want to spend time with her.'

And this? Might just be something we can't deal with.

I fear a power struggle. She's right, they have bonded with her. Lots of people have bonded with her. But once she takes our last name I didn't expect to have to keep up all those relationships with the cousins and aunts and uncles and friends. She'll have all new grandparents and cousins and aunt and uncles in our family. They're gonna feel the strong need to see her often. Her bio grandparents fear they'll lose their bond with her if they're parted too long. But I don't know how to cater to them while Bob and I are trying to get to know her. We'll need time. Lots of time. Time for just the three of us to bond. We need for her to learn about us. We need to find a routine and rhythm. We need to introduce her to all kinds of relatives that will also need to bond with her. Frankly I don't know how to do both.

I don't know how to maintain their family ties while building ours.

They live easily two hours away. I don't want to spend half my life commuting. I don't want a visit on the calendar every other week or every month. I'm already feeling possessive regarding my own mom & dad who will undoubtedly want their own time with her, lots of time, and her paternal set of grandparents who never leave their porch thus putting us another hour & 1/2 in the other direction who will need time as well.

How would we do it? We can't quarter her and pass out the parts.

Bio grandpa especially is very attached. Of course he is. Honestly I don't know how he's supposed to learn to live without her, I just know he wants to put her up for adoption for her own good and that's gonna be pretty hard if he wants to keep a hand on her.

I can see us having her a week, at the most, and them calling and begging us to bring her back down because they're having a really hard time without her in the house and they just need to see her. But let me ask you all this? How many of you brought home your new baby for the first time and started parting her out in the same week? Don't we deserve some time, at our discretion, to become our family first?

I'm not sure if we could possibly have her by Christmas or not but they've already said they'd like her for the weekend before. If we did have her the weekend before Christmas I assure you it will have only been for days, maybe a week a most.

They think it's her first Christmas, she needs to be with family.
I will think the exact same thing.
But neither of us will be on the same page.

Do you see where I'm coming from? I have no idea how they're supposed to let her go and Bob and I were already having a tough time adjusting to the idea of keeping them in the loop for the first month or so, on our terms, for a couple hours at a neutral place. Trust me, we have NO idea how to adjust to thought of keeping them and their entire extended family and friends in the loop for the foreseeable future.

Is that even healthy? Won't that just be confusing for her as she gets older? Will it ever feel like she's really outs? Or would we simply be gaining a wonderful new family to add to ours?


I need a professional to tell me. And if that's a reasonable request how do we keep from being guilted or steamrolled into a frequency or routine that we're just not capable of maintaining. I worry about setting a precedent out of guilt that we'll never get out from under. I worry that we'll create a rift between everyone if we push back and make them wait until we're ready and that friction will turn into resentment and never go away.

As you can imagine Bob's head quietly exploded at the thought of actually dropping her off and leaving her behind at someone elses house. Not that they can't care for her. Not that she'll be at any risk considering they've kept her alive this long, but my God. Can you even fathom that? We're really struggling here.

On top of that, the news of us changing her name didn't go over well. They didn't object but grandpa was noticinly hurt. And I'm not willing to compromise. My parents named me and my sister. I've waited my whole life to name a baby. But I don't know that they can accept calling her by a different name. Not just them but all those extra friends and relatives too. The ones we're supposed to leave her alone with. What if they don't call her by her new name? How will we know if we're not there?

This is really killing me. Once we heard the mom was much less of a threat than we first thought I started getting really excited. This little girl needs a home and we can give her one. She needs and mom & dad and we can be that for her. She could be mine. I could have a daughter. Is the above a deal breaker? Is she worth it to find a balance with this kind of relationship? Is it too much to ask?

One other bit of news: They're interviewing other couples. I completely understand, from their point of view. They can't put all their eggs in one basket especially if they want to do this sooner rather than later for the baby's sake and considering we're been up front about our reservations. Seeing as how we flinched a little at the shared relationship clause and how they reacted to a name change, though I think it would be completely wrong and unfair of them to demand the adopted parents keep her given name, but maybe they'll find someone that will. It's possible we'll be disqualified and it be a non-issue. But in the event we rise to the top of the list, what do we do? This is why we need help and lots of it. More than I even know.

This is why a closed adoption always appealed to me. Even though I've gone my entire life with no knowledge of my biological family whatsoever even though I've wondered many times, I can totally see why it made things so much less complicated for my parents. I understand better now than I ever have in my life.

This is hard.

Vantage point

The meeting went really well. I don't really have the energy to log it detail by detail but neither Bob or I regret it. At first I was resistant to meeting at the grandparents house but now, knowing what I do, I'm glad we did.

We learned a lot. They are very real. They weren't dressed up or in performance. You could tell this is really hard for them (especially grandpa who stayed composed during the meeting but spent a lot of the morning in tears leading up to it.) They're aren't geriatric, they're just people who don't have it in them to rear another child. We operated at full disclosure; they were honest with us and we with them. My parents behaved so well. I was clear about my fears and reservations. Bob explained how he felt. They heard us out and we all agreed that it was a complicated situation. At no point did my father interject or contradict my words. He chatted and chuckled remembering back to my adoption and how it cost them $395, but that's all. Really, it was good.

That said, we still don't know exactly what will happen. There are a lot of points that have moved to the plus column but new, different points we'd never considered that are going to require a lot of thought on our part.

They asked us some interesting questions like:
Will we teach her about God?
If we died who would we give her to?
Will you tell her she's adopted?

Maybe soon I can really dig in to how it all went but for now I will tell you about my most shining moment of the day:

We were at Cracker*Barrel, mom and dad, Bob and me, having a meal after we left the meeting and I felt a sneeze coming on. In an effort to abide by CDC (and Elmo) endorsed flu safety recommendations and sneeze into my elbow (while trying to avoid getting lipstick on my white sleeve) I managed to make a horn instead and scare the shit out of every diner in the restaurant. A couple tables away two biker dudes were having dinner and the biggest one with the leather chaps sat straight up and said 'What the hell was THAT?'

So I did the only appropriate thing I could- I waved. Then I explained loudly to the room that I was TRYING to muffle my sneeze and spare them all the plague but unfortunately it all went very wrong.

And biker dude said back to me, "My God. I thought somebody sat on a dog!'

Yes, he said that: SAT ON A DOG.

While my dad is shaking his head bewildered, my mom is wiping tears from her eyes from laughter and Bob is trying to dissolve into the seat of his chair, I'm sitting up proud taking full credit for what I'd done.

Near the end of our meal, Biker Dude came over to our table and said to me, 'Don't worry, I promise not to file any missing dog reports' to which I responded, 'Thanks, man. Sorry for the scare.'

And that's how the day rounded out. No blinding revelations about the right thing to do but we've got the cooperation of two loving grandparents who truly want what's best for their granddaughter, who certainly are not wearing any rose colored glasses regarding their daughter and a 12 year old sister that I didn't plan to meet but happens to be beautiful, in a lovely natural sort of way. Not that that means anything but there you go.

That's what I know.

Heart

Today rounded out much differently that any of us expected. Today we, the fam, were all supposed to meet for lunch and then an afternoon of bowling, birthday presents and cake to celebrate Phew #2's ninth birthday. And we did, eventually, but everything changed when He1d1 called me this morning to tell me that mom had just called an ambulance for dad.

A cardiac event, it's being called. He didn't have a heart attack, no cardiac arrest, but his pulse was disturbingly accelerated and out of rhythm and it left him clammy, sweaty and weak.

Mom was upstairs dressing and dad was downstairs at his computer. Mom heard him yell for her and when she went down he was breathless and she could barely get a pulse. He was too weak to walk and she couldn't get him to the car so they called paramedics to transport him to the hospital.

It didn't take too long, with drugs and oxygen, to get his sinus rhythm back to normal. When they did he stopped sweating, his heart rate reduced from 280 to 110 and he could breath. His EKG was good, no damage, and they did a full cardiac workup. He'll be following up with his doctor in the coming week. The last time this happened (yes, once before) he recognized what was happening but worked thru with it and gave himself an EKG the next day at work. While that's a nice perk of the profession I'm glad he's got a physician working on it for him now.

Needless to say the bowling got canceled. The young party guests got cancelled. Dad got released and Bob & I gave he and mom a ride home (they both arrived in the ambulance.) After that my sisters and I took the boys out for pizza locally and then came back to my house for presents and cake.

Speaking of, I give you the bowling ball cake. I know, it's a prize. I can't decide if it looks like it's singing or SCREAMING. It was suggested that maybe it was just in shock. I suppose that's possible.



Here's Birthday Phew pretending it's a bowling ball.

Since we had opportunity and tons of abundant sunshine (it was over 70 today!) I decided to try my hand at some brotherly shots of my nephews.

To get those smiles I offered five dollars to any brother that would kiss the other brother on the top of their head five times.

But hey- whatever works, right?

ps.. The word is that the baby meeting is still on for Sunday. I gave dad about every out I could but he said he wanted to do it. I've still got very mixed feelings but it's become apparent that this has to happen for anything else to happen (or not happen.) I'll let you know how it goes.

Dig In

Found this fun little box on the porch today courtesy of UPS Ground. I wonder whats inside?


Dirt! Naturally. But what else?



Oh. It's a shovel!

And a Dollar!!

What does a surprise(ingly LATE) box O swag with dirt and a shovel and a dollar inside make?

A happy boy. The end.

What did YOU get in the mail today?

It's whats for dinner

Hearty chicken and rice soup...

with buttered rosemary rolls.



Consider my mind blown and my heart happy. Wow.



Photo and recipe credits go to The Pioneer Woman. I discovered this website three days ago and I've been glued to it ever since. Go poke around. It's awesome.




I must now go change into something with elastic. MMmmmm.

Dialog

I opened this conversation and I'm glad many of you are weighing in.

That said, I feel the need to clarify a few things. It's tense, sitting over here. Putting my feelings out there for everyone to read and watching the feedback roll in. Couple that with the fact that I tend to be wordy but I'm not a writer; I don't know how to perfectly express myself. Also not everything I'm feeling hits the blog. I don't know the right way to do this. Your all watching me stumble in real time. When I get to the end of this tight rope I'm sure we can all look back and reflect a number of ways. Until then, I'm just doing the best I can to digest things as they come, prepare myself for something I've never experienced before. Stay informed without getting too involved. It's tricky, at the very best.

When I made up my adoption rules a long time ago, back when I declared I want someone to 'give me their baby and walk away' I wasn't seriously considering adoption. Honestly I wasn't even seriously considering considering adoption. I always assumed that eventually, long the road may be, we would end up with a biological child. I also knew that adoption was ridiculously expensive and I figured if I can't afford certain fertility treatments, which were my preference, I could never realistically afford an adoption. I believed if I did ever find myself facing an adoption it would be thru an orphanage or agency. Some entity where any bio family had already been dealt with. I would be at the end of the line.

Our number one fear is and has always been that we'd bring a child into our home, make them ours, be challenged for them and then have them taken away. That's why I always pursued fertility. Getting the child here was the lock. As long as we could just bring a baby home, then we'd be golden. We've dealt with a lot of loss in the trying and we've learned to cope, the best anyone can anyway, but we've never faced losing a child after they got here. That is very foreign and terrifying. It's also why, if we ever did look into adoption, I was only interested in international or closed. It was security for me.

Being faced with things as they are now changes everything. I can absolutely understand why the bio grandparents still want some tiny place in her life. They really don't threaten me. It's their daughter, the bio mom, and the 12 yr sister at home that scares me to death. I heard a prosecutor say once that the best place to find criminals on the lam was at their mama's house on Christmas Eve. I have serious fears of mom resurfacing at home, even if its just to beg for money and screw everything up, and noticing the baby is gone. And lo and behold, we've got three people in the house that know where to find her.

Many years ago a few months after Jack & Diane were born in our living room their mom gave birth to seven more kittens in our floor. We knew we couldn't keep them. We did for them the best we knew how to do. We had them all spayed or neutered and surrendered them to an animal agency so they could be adopted into good homes. And once a week for at least four weeks, we went to the agency to see them and play with them. I fretted because I had started to learn their personalities. I had given them names. I worried they would feel abandoned and resentful that they used to have a bed and now they have a cage. It was hard.

They were CATS.

I get it. As best as I'm able, having never been thru it, having never bonded with an infant as my own, I get it. I'm not angry that the grandparents want to see her, its just not a scenario I ever envisioned for myself. I just don't want her to be easy to find. The fewer people that know us, see us, and where to find us, the safer it feels to me.

Technically we're not planning to meet or see the sister. That's my stipulation. I was mistaken when I assumed that the grandparents had had her since birth. That isn't true. Until just over a year ago she lived with her mom. And while she has a lot of anger regarding her mom (so I'm told) she's 12. She's not mature enough to know how to not succumb to her mom if she came back. I can see mom resurfacing and leaning on the 12 yr old for information. Be it thru texts or emails, or whatever it took behind the grandparents back, I think it would be hard for the 12 yr old to know where her loyalty should lie. It would be hard not give her mom the information she was asking for.

That said, this is why I want as few people in it as possible. It's also why we have some bonding concerns. Unless the bio grandparents have found some way around the 6 - 12 month waiting periods (and we wont know that until we meet them and/or get their legal paperwork) we would have to take the child in as her legal guardians while we wait for the abandonment to be official and our opportunity to officially adopt her as ours. Bob is very much against this. He says he would feel like he was babysitting. He's afraid he won't be able to bond with her, or won't want to, knowing that we're on the clock for mom to come back. That leaves me in the role of a single mom. I think I would be able to bond without trouble but in doing so I would be creating a divide between my husband and me. If we did get to keep her, Bob would be months behind us.

That may or not be how it would really go down, but it's what we're dealing with right now. I think counseling is absolutely in order for us so we can go into this as a team with the same instruction, same approach. But we're not ready for that yet, not until we're sure we want to take her. We won't know that until we meet the grandparents and our attorney gets to examine the legal documents and advise us to the best of his ability.

Remember not long ago when we found the injured stray dog by our house? We were faced with a decision on the spot. Let that dog go with the animal control officer or take custody of him and try to get him help even though it could cost a lot, could still end badly and we had no attachment to the dog whatsoever. As I was petting it, offering it some water, as the man from animal control stood over us, it was Bob that said, 'That's it. I can't let him suffer. I don't care what it costs, we're taking him. Jen, call the vet. You, get your crate. Let's go.' Maybe that's how this meeting on Sunday will be. After seeing the grandparents (one very chronically ill himself) hearing the love and torture in their voices, learning more about the mother that this little girl was born to, it might change everything for him. It might. He's not expecting that to happen, but it might.

Just remember that I never claimed to know the right way to do this. Support us but don't judge us. I know that's no ones intent, I just feel very vulnerable over here. That's all.